Fat and Healthy (or should it be happy?)

Note to my blog readers: As with my life, I feel like this blog is my way of showing that in no way am I perfect and my life can be used to help others feel like they are not alone- with that in mind- I give you the report of yesterday's well check up for me and how I feel about it.

After being under the care of an OB/GYN since 99 I decided that it was time to go to a "big girl doctor" if you will for an overall checkup and begin being under the care of that doctor. I don't get sick very often and when I do I have just been going to a walk in clinic close to my house. If I was pregnant or nursing I would just call my OB and he would take care of any meds that I needed. Since I am done with the whole "having kids" thing- It was time to establish myself in the care of an internal meds dr. So last week I had my blood work done and yesterday went in for an overall checkup. I had seen a few months ago (while watching one of the morning news shows) that while there are overweight people all over the place- just because one is overweight does not mean that one is necessarily unhealthy. Case in point- my labs were great- blood pressure- great, cholesterol-great, hormones-great-(in fact he could tell that I was about to "drop an egg" -his words not mine- so Jeff will be far far far away from me for a few days-thank you)-heart rate-great. As a matter of fact overall I am way healthy- the only thing was when I stepped on the scales I had never ever ever ever seen it go up that high! I looked at the nurse with what must have been a wide eyed crazed look and said in a very loud voice "there is no way this could be right!?" She responded with a -well, I know others have said that they were a little heavy but not more than a few pounds- she said when you weigh at home aren't you usually naked or close to it? Umm no, I don't have scales here at home- I choose not to weigh and go by how my clothes were fitting. The last time I weighed was in Oct. at the gym before my 60 mile walk and I weighed the same that I did for the last 8 months or so. But this stupid, yucky, stinky dr scale said I weighed almost 200 pounds!!!! Yes you read that right and I am not going to beat around the bush about it- 200 friends- on a 5'4" frame. The most I weighed at my biggest pregnancy was 179- of course I threw up so much that I weighed less after delivery then I did before getting preggers but that's a whole other post. So there I stood bewildered and then I wanted to slap the words right out of the air and back into her mouth when she said, "that qualifies you for medicational weight loss help"- ie you are obese want some meds for that fat girl- I mean really- when did I become obese and why am I 40 years old and just took my first pill for weight loss?! I did I took the fat girl Rx and had it filled and took my first one this morning. How did it go down (the conversation and the decision to take the Rx)- well basically I have cut way back on eating fast foods, cut way back on sodas and have been eating salads and home cooked meals for several months now (ok 2) but I was also exercising and getting ready to walk the breast cancer 3 day. So how does many miles of walking, water, and better eating not translate into weight loss- stress combined with sludge like metabolism that is how. Apparently I am one of the lucky ones who's metabolic rate has slowed down to a sludge like rate in order to protect my ability to perform day to day life without losing my mind. Hmmmm really? I mean seriously - really? So this medicine basically works like speed for your metabolic rate and everyone loses weight on it- everyone he said- is it safe? If taken correctly and under a dr. care yes- I have read up on it- I will continue with my better eating and all but it is actually one that works with my cymblata too. So I am basically a large, crazy person who's meds are working together to give me an energy boost so that I can spend better quality time with my family and friends. We will see! Last night I spent a good bit of the evening battling with the God side of it all- If I am healthy (and I am) and if God made me - then why am I trying to change it? For the good of what others want to see- I mean I have many many skinny friends - and don't even get me started on my in laws (Babcocks are not known for their girth) so I am the largest in the Babcock family! How does one learn to be happy with who one is/ with what God created when everyone around you is smaller than you- and is putting a chemical in your body- to stimulate your brain to make you a better person mocking God- I mean I don't question the Cymbalta (anti-depressant that I really must have) and we give Cooper adhd meds because he is wired chemically different as well. But is it the right thing to do? All in all I had a hard time sleeping last night thinking about it and wondering if God would be pleased that I am trying to take better care of myself or does he get frustrated with our lack of self esteem and comparing ourselves to others. Just some thoughts- I know long thoughts but thoughts nevertheless. I find myself repeating this morning in my head "stupid scales, stupid 40, stupid fat girl meds" and yet laughing that my overall health was awesome! I guess we are really fearfully and wonderfully made right?!