Friday, January 15, 2010

I know I am crazy

So... if you know me you know that I love love love babies! I grew up wanting to be a "nurse in the nursery of a hospital) - that is what I used to tell people when I was little and they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I dreamed of the day when I would be married and have babies of my own. I think from the time I was 7 or 8 I would sit and hold babies (little ones) when visitors came to our house for Bible studies in Africa (my parents were missionaries). I can remember asking to hold every baby at Church (Sunday morning, Sunday night and Wednesday night) and mom's would let me. I loved being able to be around my nieces and nephews when they were babies (and I still love them now)- I can't tell you how many times I have had the distinct honor of being in a hospital room with a woman who is giving birth. It stirs my soul and I am thankful for each baby that I have seen come into the world and for each family that has allowed me to share in the experience with them. I have 4 amazing children of my own and goodness gracious I remember what it felt like to have their sweet little newborn faces right next to mine as they were handed to me for the first time! I love that first kiss on their faces in that space right below their nose and above their upper lip. My pregnancies were difficult- I threw up A LOT! I don't mean just a bit but every day for weeks and instead of getting better each pregnancy got worse- I threw up through week 31 with Zoe- and yet I loved being pregnant! I loved feeling my children move and kick inside- I loved that God used me as a tool to grow His creations. I was very sad to have not carried all of them to full term- Cooper was my only full term baby- the rest had to stay in the NICU after birth and it was heart-wrenching to say the least to leave them at the hospital knowing that I was not going to be with them after I had carried them. So at 40 years old why in the world am I going through "baby ache" again. They say you will know when you are done having children- I am not so sure that is true. I have found myself feeling that old familiar feeling again. That- awww my little one is almost 2 and my arms and heart are lonely for another little one- what is that? Why in the world does that feeling not go away? My head says, "are you nuts?" but my heart says, "awww where is the next one that I am supposed to care for?" And hello 40- Jeff is 42- enough already-so my question is - does that feeling ever really go away or is it something that women just decide to ignore and go on- obviously the Dugg*r family hasn't ignored it and there are others who have more than 4 who haven't- in fact I have noticed that there was a time period where 2 was sufficient and it seems like now we are in a time period where more 3 or more is the preference. Financially, it is a no brainer- done - with regards to time spent with each individual child it is a no brainer- done- with Jeff it is a no brainer- done, but why is it so difficult to convince my heart? When there are so many out there who haven't had children why would my heart even think of going there again? My cousin and her husband have been trying for several years without success to have children of their own- I know there are others- so what drives that passion within us? How do we settle that ache? These are just some thoughts that have been running through my head lately and because I use my blog like an online journal in case there are others out there that feel they are alone... I just thought I would write it all down. For those of you who are concerned... don't be I am not going to have another one unless God chooses to take that opportunity with us again- we are doing what is necessary to make sure that doesn't happen if under our control. Until then- If you see a baby in my arms- know that it is my way of filling my arms and heart when they ache for the feel of a little one. I think I have a lot to offer to the mommies and the babies of the world - I hope God will lead me to the right places this year.

6 comments:

Jaime said...

I have often wondered how you know you are done too. In my third trimester of my third pregnancy I truly feel this is IT. I will have a c-section, so to tie the tubes or not is the question now. It just doesn't seem right to make it so "final" even though I don't really want any more...I feel like 2 boys and 1 girl will be the perfect family for us. Hard decisions.

Tamra said...

We've decide that 2 is the right number for us. With 2 kids, our rooms and cars will be full, so it makes sense. And Mark's going to turn 40 this year when Lulu Cupcake is 6 months old. But I wonder about whether I'll be convinced of 2 when the time comes....

Jcbaron99 said...

I was also convinced that two was great. The Lord had other plans for me! I now have three and am totally content with that. I have absolutely no desire to have another one. Would be totally okay if God had other plans for us but not something I'm going to try to do. I do LOVE to snuggle with babies and hold and love on them. And then I love to hand them to back to their mama and I go home to a usually full nights sleep ;-)

Jcbaron99 said...

P.S. But I don't think that you are crazy....just to be clear ;-) I think it's amazing and such a blessing for those who have and handle large families the way they do!

Jill said...

i don't think you are crazy at all. 2 is what makes sense for us...financially, timewise, agewise, etc. but i still get sad sometimes at the thought of really being done. like final. done. we're doing our part to be finished, but i think that God can do things however He wants-so if it's his will for me to have another one then i'm sure he can work his way around birth control. ha!
i guess some of us will always want "just one more"...but that is what makes you a good mommy-you never take it for granted and are so good with kids!

kara + houston said...

looks like i'm the only non-mama to comment so far! kayren, i (currently) want 4 kids so i think you are a supermom! i know how great you are with kids of all sizes, so i can see why you would feel "empty" when the baby gets big, and i bet that will always be there in some form... but i also bet, in time, other joys will fill your arms! and babies are never REALLY too big for mama's arms :)