Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Death (a very lengthy post)

Yes I know morbid title... But my mind is running again. This week I have known several who have lost loved ones to death and my brain is filled with what if's... What if it were me... me losing Jeff, me losing one of my children, me losing one of my parents, me dying. What would happen from here? What would I do without Jeff (ok I have to say that one stays close to my mind on a daily basis)- the thought of it leaves me almost breathless... I wonder how I would breathe if it happened?! It isn't that I worry about what would we do, where would we go etc... I know we have plenty of family and friends that would help, encourage, etc... I mostly play out the motions of pulling my life back together and knowing where to go and what to do. Morbid, yes... necessary yes. Many years ago I began to play out things in my head and what I would do if any of these things happen. I have put into action several of these plans. Before I was married my dad was to have surgery on his neck... at around 4 in the morning on the morning of the surgery my phone rang... mom said in a very shaky voice, it's ok but... it's funny but that is exactly what my dad always says when something has happened to him but he is ok and calls to tell me about it. He had an allergic reaction to a pre-op antibiotic and had been put into ICU and was on a respirator blah blah blah. That was what I heard. I was already out of bed putting my towel in the bathroom and looking for my suitcase. I knew what clothes I would pack and even what black dress I would wear if the end result was death. I even knew how much money I had on my credit card so that I could get a plane ticket and fly home. I have always been a daddy's girl and the thought of losing him - well, I try not to go there in my head very often. He was ok. My brother Chris and I got our lesson plans done, packed, purchased tickets and rental car and were walking into the hospital by noon that day. (I will never forget the look on my mom's face when she saw us coming across the waiting room- she had told us not to come that everything would be ok- yeah right- try to hold us back mom-not) Anyway, my mind has flashed back to that moment several times this week as I have received news of several who have lost sisters, wives, mothers, daughters, fathers, husbands, children, aunts... an endless stream of death this week. The celebration is Heaven must be amazing this week! I imagine what it must be like to kneel at the feet of God and ask if it would be ok if I put my head in His lap so that he could touch my head and I know that all is as it should be- no tears in Heaven? Maybe streaming tears of Joy!!! So what happens here though- Jeff is leaving and will be gone for a week as of today... what happens to the mess in the house if the unthinkable happens. Or if something should happen to me and someone comes into this mess of a house- judgement? I hope not- I hope the fact that my house is dirty and my clean clothes are in piles and there are toys and dishes all over the place will be met with- wow she really didn't care about the day to day stuff save the squeezing of the children and the feeding of the bellies and the loving of her God! Would I effect over 9,000 + on my caring bridge pages like Mrs Jenny that we have been praying for? Again not looking for schmoozing words, just thinking out loud. I can tell you that if either of my parents were to lose their lives today, I don't know that we could get in touch with the number of people who might like to spend a few moments honoring their memory- the same goes for siblings! I am without a doubt incredibly blessed! I can't help but think though about what my grandmother kept saying just over a year ago when we were asked to come home because her end was near... when she woke up when I was sitting with her in the ICU she said, "I'm not finished". I laughed, smoothed her hair back and through my tears as I kissed her forehead said, "are you kidding, you have done plenty... Grandaddy is waiting" She said she knew he was but he could wait a little longer- she hadn't finished writing with the man in Co that was of a different faith (she said it but it isn't important here) and wanted to know more about her faith. She said she hadn't converted him yet. With a blood pressure that most don''t pull through and kidneys looking as if they were shutting down - she was worried about someone else's soul. She did live for several months longer- little stinker- what an amazing woman! I woke this morning at 4 thinking the same thing... I'm not done... there is someone in the hospital I haven't gone to see - to minister to. There is a weary soul in need of encouragement, there are so many things that I need to do... I want to make the most of my time here so that when that time comes - I can close my eyes and know that I used my time for good- that I used my time for God! Celebrate the lives of those who have walked into the presence of God Almighty this week and make it count as a reminder of carrying on His love today and every day we are still here waiting! God Bless you today!


Chera said...

You're amazing Kayren! I love the way you type out your thoughts...I think the same way too sometimes!!

Julie said...

Great post! It has been a rough week here on earth. You "verbalized" what so many of us think. Thanks for sharing your encouraging words!