"Bipolar Blogging"

Ok so this idea isn't new I read it on someone else's blog the other day and it totally pegged me. I don't even remember whose blog it was on so that I could go back to it and read it and thank them for the post... maybe I commented on it but I didn't bookmark it so I can't go back and read the blog again which of course is frustrating to me. But I digress... I was thinking about the many thoughts that I think "ooh I should blog about that" that run through my brain during the day. Today I thought of a few things... Cloth diapers, why can't I sew, I think I might be a hoarder, what can I do to make my husband's day today and each and every day (that came from the New Beginnings workshop that we went to last year and I saw a paper from it today while clearing out some papers), music that takes me back to times when my self-esteem was higher, the Susan G Komen Breast Cancer 3 Day... whew I am tired... my brain hurts. Are there others of you who think about that many things in one day along with the ordinary day to day stuff of laundry, toys, dishes, food, diapers etc... Am I the only one who balances that many thoughts? If I am maybe there is more wrong with me than I thought and I might need some professional help. Seriously, is this what they call bipolar on the upswing? Anyhoo, it always helps me to get these thoughts out and the other day someone told me I was a deep thinker- not the first time and yes, I know that I am- I am happy to have a way to think out loud and touch the lives of others as I do so. So I guess to the blogger creator- thank you! To those who follow me on this blog- the above list will be in some of the upcoming posts- I know you will stay tuned. Until then I wanted to let you know that I will be teaching a class on Tuesday of next week (March 2nd) on God's love. Easy topic right?! Not so much especially when I consider that in order to truly love God I have to love myself- yikes- I don't at all. I mean really I don't. I think I have some serious issues to deal with and if I have to deal with them I am going to have to wrap my brain around how God feels about me. I am reaching deep down into my soul on a daily basis trying to find this lesson. Who knows I may just stand there and say nothing except God loves you, the end. Rest assured as I piece this lesson together I will have more to get out of my bipolar head- btw- if there is anyone out there that is diagnosed bipolar this post is not meant to offend (I really do think I might be able to relate). No judgements just one of God's children marching to the beat of my own drum! Have a blessed day!

Death (a very lengthy post)

Yes I know morbid title... But my mind is running again. This week I have known several who have lost loved ones to death and my brain is filled with what if's... What if it were me... me losing Jeff, me losing one of my children, me losing one of my parents, me dying. What would happen from here? What would I do without Jeff (ok I have to say that one stays close to my mind on a daily basis)- the thought of it leaves me almost breathless... I wonder how I would breathe if it happened?! It isn't that I worry about what would we do, where would we go etc... I know we have plenty of family and friends that would help, encourage, etc... I mostly play out the motions of pulling my life back together and knowing where to go and what to do. Morbid, yes... necessary yes. Many years ago I began to play out things in my head and what I would do if any of these things happen. I have put into action several of these plans. Before I was married my dad was to have surgery on his neck... at around 4 in the morning on the morning of the surgery my phone rang... mom said in a very shaky voice, it's ok but... it's funny but that is exactly what my dad always says when something has happened to him but he is ok and calls to tell me about it. He had an allergic reaction to a pre-op antibiotic and had been put into ICU and was on a respirator blah blah blah. That was what I heard. I was already out of bed putting my towel in the bathroom and looking for my suitcase. I knew what clothes I would pack and even what black dress I would wear if the end result was death. I even knew how much money I had on my credit card so that I could get a plane ticket and fly home. I have always been a daddy's girl and the thought of losing him - well, I try not to go there in my head very often. He was ok. My brother Chris and I got our lesson plans done, packed, purchased tickets and rental car and were walking into the hospital by noon that day. (I will never forget the look on my mom's face when she saw us coming across the waiting room- she had told us not to come that everything would be ok- yeah right- try to hold us back mom-not) Anyway, my mind has flashed back to that moment several times this week as I have received news of several who have lost sisters, wives, mothers, daughters, fathers, husbands, children, aunts... an endless stream of death this week. The celebration is Heaven must be amazing this week! I imagine what it must be like to kneel at the feet of God and ask if it would be ok if I put my head in His lap so that he could touch my head and I know that all is as it should be- no tears in Heaven? Maybe streaming tears of Joy!!! So what happens here though- Jeff is leaving and will be gone for a week as of today... what happens to the mess in the house if the unthinkable happens. Or if something should happen to me and someone comes into this mess of a house- judgement? I hope not- I hope the fact that my house is dirty and my clean clothes are in piles and there are toys and dishes all over the place will be met with- wow she really didn't care about the day to day stuff save the squeezing of the children and the feeding of the bellies and the loving of her God! Would I effect over 9,000 + on my caring bridge pages like Mrs Jenny that we have been praying for? Again not looking for schmoozing words, just thinking out loud. I can tell you that if either of my parents were to lose their lives today, I don't know that we could get in touch with the number of people who might like to spend a few moments honoring their memory- the same goes for siblings! I am without a doubt incredibly blessed! I can't help but think though about what my grandmother kept saying just over a year ago when we were asked to come home because her end was near... when she woke up when I was sitting with her in the ICU she said, "I'm not finished". I laughed, smoothed her hair back and through my tears as I kissed her forehead said, "are you kidding, you have done plenty... Grandaddy is waiting" She said she knew he was but he could wait a little longer- she hadn't finished writing with the man in Co that was of a different faith (she said it but it isn't important here) and wanted to know more about her faith. She said she hadn't converted him yet. With a blood pressure that most don''t pull through and kidneys looking as if they were shutting down - she was worried about someone else's soul. She did live for several months longer- little stinker- what an amazing woman! I woke this morning at 4 thinking the same thing... I'm not done... there is someone in the hospital I haven't gone to see - to minister to. There is a weary soul in need of encouragement, there are so many things that I need to do... I want to make the most of my time here so that when that time comes - I can close my eyes and know that I used my time for good- that I used my time for God! Celebrate the lives of those who have walked into the presence of God Almighty this week and make it count as a reminder of carrying on His love today and every day we are still here waiting! God Bless you today!

What is not being said...

As Dr. Phil says... "I spend a lot of time hearing what people say but more importantly hearing what they don't say means even more." I do that to... If you were to look at my Myers Briggs results you would see that I am an ESFJ which means I am extroverted, sensing, feeling, and judging. Basically, I use my inner voice to interpret what is going on around me and I am extroverted in a crowd. I need people to help me feel more alive and it doesn't matter if they are friends or family or whatever I just need people. Church is a great place for extroverts if you have the time to visit and talk... but that is not always the case when you have 4 depending on you to get them out of class, when those 4 have the patience of a gnat (so they don't stand patiently while you get to know someone better or just laugh and talk with them a bit), when there are Bible Class teachers are depending on you to pick up your 4 so that they can pick up theirs, or when you are married to an introvert that would rather just move on to the next phase of the day. I recently had a conversation with someone about how hard Jeff works and how blessed we are that he does. Because of his hard work, our family was very blessed to receive a large monetary bonus that was awarded to all who were eligible. Jeff was without a doubt eligible and I really thank him for it. That having been said I was then reminded by someone later that it is a dog eat dog world out there and he does work hard! Within the confines of the conversation I felt as if I was being challenged to do more as a wife and mother to "be" there for this hard working man. So how do you do that... at the end of the day, where do you muster the strength to be wife, mother of 4, maid, cook etc... How do you keep the peace, keep the house, and have enough energy to "keep him happy"? (Settle down, I am not looking for advice in "that" area) I am just thinking out loud here. But, when the soul, spirit, and body are physically and mentally exhausted where do you turn for more. When you feel you don't have any what do you do? Where do you go? I have found myself sitting in the car in my driveway many a night or sometimes in the middle of the afternoon when all 4 are sleeping/eating snack and chilling, and I sit in there and bathe myself in music. Not just any music but Christian music... I have an awesome sub woofer in my van (some dad before me insisted on that being the coolness that it took for him to drive it I'm sure). I listen to songs that will wash over my soul and remind me that Our God is the only source of strength. Yet, I still find myself weary in a really rough time of our lives. Yes, I know this too shall pass and out of it will come the strength of amazing growth in my relationship with God and the knowledge that He will allow me to glean from this refining time in life. Until then I cling to the cross. Nothing that anyone can say... or not say in many cases can separate me from the love of God and that is the only thing that matters! Thank you for tuning into this online pep talk- if you find yourself weary and hurting the only place to be is at the foot of the cross! God Bless you and your day!

Go Baby Go

Go Baby Go is where I have gotten all of my cloth diapers- I even won a gift basket from them once that included some great diaper rash stuff and some soapy foamy stuff for cleaning tiny hieneys. Wanted to give them a shout out during their share the love of cloth diapering time. They have consultants here in SA as well as others across the US and also have a set up in Cradle Catoire (spelling) in Artisan's Alley. If you are interested in more info let me know and I will give you the name of my rep. They also sell other products as well including wraps and slings : )

What's on my mind

I have logged on several times to update my blog over the last few days, but the words don't come to me. I have so many things in my head that I don't know where to start. I am in a fight my dear friends. I am in a fight with Satan. I have never really thought of how he really does march around earth looking for those he can devour but he does. He is trying to devour my marriage, my children (via parenting skills etc...) and he is working hard on us. But I have decided this time no matter how hard he tries, I will not let him in. Yesterday for example- Jeff took Mason yesterday morning as he has the last 3 weeks to spend some bonding time with him. The two of them have struggled with "understanding" each other for the last 6 mos or so. Not hard to understand why- they are cut from very similar molds ; ) Anyway, I took the other 3 to church where I dropped them off into their classes, taught the cradle roll (we had 11 babies), went to second service where I was the interpreter for the lesson, picked everyone up (thanks to my friend Dena for bringing the younger two halfway and then helping me to my car), took them to lunch, (we did the Jason's D*eli Sunday lunch dance- lots of people and my 3 were not overly well behaved although not too bad), and got ready to come home for naps when I remembered that I had not gotten all the stuff that I needed for the guacamole that I had volunteered to take to small group at 5:30. It was naptime, I was exhausted and all I wanted to do was come home and get in out of the cold and under the covers and snuggle with the kids who wanted to nap. My mind began to run through a list of excuses that I could use when I called to excuse myself from small group. After all Jeff had to go to work and I really needed to hurry and get home so he could leave. That would leave me with all 4 to take by myself to small group and I was feeling weary as each thought ran through my head. Oh the power of Satan on weary mommies! I have been working soo hard on bathing myself in the love and wonder of Jesus Christ and our Father. I am really trying to draw closer to Him and delve deep into an intimate relationship to the One who gives me strength. I told the 3 that were in the car with me that Mommy was going to listen to some of her songs... in order to do that at this time of the day... I turned on a movie for them- and put the speakers up front only. I picked up the first CD that was within reach and out of the many, many CD's to pick up I picked up Natalie Grant's Relentless. Oh the power of God over Satan- I said out loud, "not today, you will not get me today" - on the way to the grocery store I listened to "Make a Way" - God will make a way for me today- I drank the words in like a weary nomad in the desert. It worked! I went to the grocery store, praying for peace with the children and got what I needed without a hitch. As a matter of fact I stepped into the line and within two minutes of waiting a new line opened up right beside me and they asked me to go ahead and move over to check out. I whispered a loud "thank you God" ! We came home, changed diapers, put children down for nap and rest time. Warm, full of food, happy! I had set the alarm to go off in time for us to get ready, make the guacamole and get to small group on time. Satan starts working on me again. I had read the clock incorrectly- or messed it up while setting the alarm or something, Instead of 4:25 it was 5:25 when I came down to put the guac together. For a split second my mind said, "well forget it". Then I thought, no way I am not going to let you win- you have been working on me all day and you will not win! I love the conversations that go on in my head- I was of course speaking to Satan. So, I put all the stuff in a bag, got all the kids pulled together and got everyone in the car... called the place we were headed to and said we were on our way but running late. 4 kids-check, clothes and shoes-check, seatbelts-check (by the way I am performing this mental checklist as I am driving down the road to our destination) stuff for guac- check, gas- oye light on, not a problem there is a little place up the road and I will just put a little in, short stop no big deal, oh bank card- on the dresser- no room left on credit card (maybe a little) too bad Satan - can't win that one either- I had enough for $2 which was all I needed. I went to small group- was blessed by the fellowship and got home to Jeff safe and sound! I know this is a long post and I really appreciate that you guys are still with me. I just need to let others know that they are not alone in their struggle with the day to day pressures that weigh each of us down and allow Satan to get a foothold. I want each of you to know that I am praying for you as a mother/women that we will use our broken moments to gain a more intimate relationship with God who is the perfect provider of strength! May each of you be blessed as you walk through your day! As Natalie Grant sings "sometimes the sun stays hidden for years and the rain falls for days- but our hope endures- let the earth quake- our hope is unchanged!!!- Love to all of you-