Monday, November 2, 2009

T- minus 3 days again

I don't know what I did but the previous lack of post posted was just a tiny example of how things are going as I prepare to leave for the 3 day walk. I find myself in a very stressful place- perfection is desired but I know unattainable and so why do I stress? Why do I feel it necessary to have my house in a state of perfection (or as close to it) as I leave? Why do I feel it necessary to have all clothes clean before I pack the Jaxon and Zoe in order to take their stuff to Mar Mar and Poppy's house? Why do I feel it necessary to make sure that my room and bathroom and closet for that matter are nice and tidy? Why is it necessary for all the boys to have their clothes perfectly put away with clean sheets on their beds and groceries in the house ready for them to eat their favorites- why do I feel myself getting sick when I think about getting in the car and not having everything done. Why do we as mother's put ourselves in the position to make sure everything is perfect? Or is it just me? Is it so I can mentally let go of this part of my life so that I can be all that I can be on the 3 day? Maybe! Or is it the foothold that Satan needed to get under my skin and grab hold of the insecurities and time that have played a role in my life for so long. As I have been putting together my lesson that I will be teaching next Tuesday at Ladies Bible Class I have found myself more and more aware of how Satan has a way of grabbing a hold and not letting go! So much so that last Thursday I spent the day in bed sleeping because of the meds that I had to take to stop puking. Yes, I had worried myself into sick- no one else got sick and I didn't eat anything unusual- and then yesterday I found myself panicked again and ended up with the beginnings of a migrane - I nursed that bad boy headache for most of the day until I forced myself to go to the grocery store and get the things needed in the house for the week. On the way home I was pondering on my lesson again and thinking about what we had talked about in class just that morning. How we are to rejoice during the hard times, how things come along in our lives and blow us off our path- because it is narrow and winding not straight and easy. I have yet to jump up and down and clap for joy and smile when facing adverse conditions. I am human - but what I am learning is that it is all about perspective- I am being refined- I am being refined- you see, we never were promised easy but we were promised to not be left alone! And as my mind said this I said it out loud in the car. Yes, I do that sometimes and then I said, "God you can see me, you can hear me, you can see my insides- I need peace, I need perspective, I need... I don't know. I listen to K-Love all the time, all the time- my radio may be stuck on that station actually. And then as with all the other times before a song came on the radio and it was just the right one at the right time! Mark Shultz "Remember Me"- basically remember Me because I remember you all day every day- and then peace! No headache, no stomach ache, no worry, no stress- joy- Joy in the middle of trial- joy in the middle of a messy house with too much laundry both dirty and clean not in the right place, with dirty dishes in the sink, with children not wanting to go to bed, with a husband who was stressed about work and needing to leave early in the morning so that I was the parent getting everyone ready and out the door. Joy that I am remembered- peace that Satan does not have the foothold that he thought because the Holy Spirit dwells in me and reminds me that we were never promised ease but we were promised peace- I love my God- I will do what I can to get ready to leave in 3 days- by using my excitement and turning it into energy to get done as much as possible and then know that it will all be ok- because God will use this time and glory will be to HIm! What an awesome God we serve!


myra said...

Amen Kayren. And as my very wise Grando cross-stitched and says, "Remember to keep the main thing the main thing." Sounds like that's exactly what you're doing.

Chera said...

Praying for you! Love you lots!